I wasn’t expecting this to be so long. I also wasn’t expecting to go so much into the actual plot. But my god this was shite. I just lost the run of myself. Enjoy.
Wow. Well…that was…certainly something. Where to begin with such a…film? I guess I can call it that.
There’s a pretty great cast in this movie. Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, Tim Roth, William Hurt, Ty Burrell and Timothy Blake Nelson (who I only knew as the ‘Oh Brother Where art Thou?’ guy, not going to lie) So there’s a lot of firepower here. Plenty of excellent actors who have some amazing bodies of work behind them. This is going to be good, right? Well…Let’s get into it.
I was pleasantly surprised with the opening credits. The whole Bruce Banner (Edward Norton) becoming the Hulk was done over the course of these credits. I was delighted with that, I must say. We don’t need to see how he became the Hulk. We know that. There’s no need to explain it. We can just get straight into the story. Nice.
Banner turns into the Hulk, destroys the lab, runs off and is now a fugitive. We pick up with Banner in Brazil, both living in exile and trying to find a cure for his illness. He now works in a bottling factory and is chatting to someone online called Mr. Blue who is seemingly working with Banner on a cure.. He’s also doing breathing exercises and yoga, I think. This is so that he can keep calm and not Hulk out. Clever. It’s been about 150 days since he last had an ‘incident’. I can’t remember exactly how many…but the yoga’s obviously working. Good for him.
Anyway…Bruce is being hunted. Nobody knows where he is. We know he’s in Brazil. It’s all a very strange setup. This pasty white boy is going to live, more or less, trouble free in a favela? The only issue he seems to have is this group of three bullies who are annoyed with him because he stopped them harassing a woman who worked in the factory too. It’s really weird. There could have been more which happened before this that we didn’t get to see. Or they could have just been waiting for an excuse to beat the shit out of him (more on these lads later)
He cuts himself while trying to fix some electronic thing on a walkway for his manager. The blood drips down onto the conveyer belt with open bottles below and he runs down in a huge panic screaming that production be shut down, so that he can wipe the blood away so that everyone is safe. Why there is a walkway directly above the section of the conveyer belt with open bottles, is beyond me. That’s poor design right there. Shock horror, he missed a bit and one of the bottles of whatever shite looking stuff they make there is now contaminated with extreme amounts of gamma radiation. He obviously didn’t really pay too much attention when he was wiping his blood. This leads to some poor auld lad in the US drinking it and dying (the Stan Lee cameo in this movie). This auld lad dying due to gamma radiation poisoning alerts those who are looking for Banner. There’s a pretty interesting chase/fight in the favela between banner and the military who are hunting him which eventually makes Bruce angry. Dun dun dunnnn, he turns into the Hulk and smashes everything. Goodness. A bit exciting. Nothing to amazing. Just a bit of Hulk smashing and our first real glimpse of Emil Blonsky (Tim Roth), and his reaction to who he was hired to find (spoiler: it comes as a surprise to him that it’s a giant green boy). Now we’re getting somewhere!
Before we get somewhere though. I’d like to point out the relationship between Bruce Banner and Betty Ross. Well not so much them, more the lack of any onscreen chemistry between Edward Norton and Liv Tyler. Good lord the romance between the two of them is so damn stodgy. This is the first real example of the actors in this movie being underused, or misused.
Ok; I’ve been holding this in for the whole review so far. I’m frickin’ dyin’ over here and need to mention it. We to talk about Tim Roth. I like Tim Roth. I really do, but he is supposed to be an elite soldier in this movie. Maybe he could be, maybe being a slight 5 foot 7 man is a good trait in a soldier. You can hide behind things better, I guess. I’m willing to suspend my belief for that. (Well done Paul, in a movie where a scientist turns into a giant green monster) HOWEVER; what I refuse to accept is the lack of effort they put into making him look ripped once he becomes the super-soldier. I mean. Look at the below:
The fuck is that shit??? Seriously… the fuck
Moving on from my awful body-shaming, Roth tries in this. He is probably one of the best actors I know of who can convey fierce emotions with his eyes. That sounds like a silly thing to say, but you look at his acting during this movie, and you can feel the anger, the jealousy and the desire for power from him. It’s a good performance… which is super impressive seeing as how his character is a dumb-fuck who has no personality at all. Following the chase and fight in the favela, Blonsky approaches his boss Thaddeus Ross (William Hurt) and asks basically what I asked above. The fuck was that shit? Ross explains to Blonsky ‘the fuck that shit was’ and Blonsky says; I’ll have what he’s having’. I’m assuming this is the same stuff which will eventually make Captain America become Captain America? It might not be, but it’s supposed to make him harder, better, faster, stronger (and give him a really awkward looking six-pack)
Banner decides to do the classic ‘stand behind a tree while looking at the woman you love’ move. He’s wearing a baseball cap though, so he’s completely incognito. Nothing can possibly go wrong.
It went wrong. Somehow the Military industrial Complex managed to see beyond his elaborate disguise and Banner is attacked a second time. He smashes everything, including Blonsky. He gets a serious boop which sends him flying. The Army retreat, Hulk runs off with Betty after saving her from fire and with that the biggest battle of the movie so far ends. It had more viewers than this article had readers even though it was on a college campus.
Banner gets in contact with Mr Blue who tells him to come to New York. Mr Blue is actually a biologist called Samuel Sterns (Tim Blake Nelson). Sterns says he’s been working on a ‘cure’. Although he thinks it will only stop and individual act of transformation, not cure completely. So they sit there, and Banner starts to turn and it works. Stern then says he’s been saving all the blood that Banner has been sending and wants to do some science-y shit with it. Banner says he wants all the samples destroyed. End of movie. Everything is good now.
Nothing can possible go wrong…
It goes wrong. The military break into the college (I think it’s a college anyway) and capture Banner and Betty. They go on a nice helicopter ride while Blonsky breaks into the lab and tells Sterns to inject him with the good stuff. Stern says the combination of the super-soldier serum and Banners blood could turn him into an……Abomination. Sigh.
Shock, this happens and the giant horned turd called Abomination goes on a rampage through Harlem. “Don’t worry”, says Bruce Banner, “I; the exact person you’ve spent the last few years trying to capture will help if you just let me go!”
Yeah, alright; says Ross.
So begins the final fight. Meh. Nothing exciting about it. It’s just a regular old fight, except bigger. The effects aren’t great. It ends by Hulk almost choking Abomination to death with a giant chain. Betty stops Hulk from doing it. Hulk then LEAVES ABOMINATION THERE FOR THE ARMY TO ARREST! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? IT’S LITERALLY JUST TRASHED PART OF A CITY! It’s killed NUMEROUS soldiers and you’re just going to leave him there? Book ‘im boys!
A month later, Banner is somewhere else and he starts to transform, but gives a smile as if to say that he can now control it.
That’s it. That’s the movie. Fucking kak.
2 smashes out of 10.
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